Patient

By Eleni Andonatos Schellenburg

Hand over your Medicare Card. Announce your appointment time and who you are going to meet. You don’t know their name? You are here for a pre-scheduled appointment with the emergency doctor. Are you new here? Speak louder so that you can be heard through the glass. Please register your address and phone number to open your file at this clinic. Stop yelling. You are disturbing the other patients. Your appointment will be cancelled if you do not register your address and phone number to the clinic. Thank you for your cooperation; you may have a seat in the waiting room.

         Bonjour/Hi, your Medicare please. With whom do you have an appointment? Perfect, you may have a seat.

         Welcome back. What assistance do you require? Unfortunately, it is impossible to know when the Doctor will see you as she has many patients to see today. I am aware that you have reserved a time to see someone, but so have the others who suffocate the waiting room. You don’t look very sick. You won’t see the doctor sooner if you cough. You should not leave the premises for fresh air; you may miss the Doctor calling your name. Your appointment will be cancelled if you do not respond when the Doctor calls your name. Sorry for the inconvenience. Enjoy your break and good luck.

         Bonjour/Hi, your Medicare Card please. With whom do you have an appointment? You may have a seat.

         Something smells of skunk. The Doctor did not call your name while you were gone; well done. The Doctor must wear a mask for her health and safety. The radio music cannot be lowered. Listen carefully if you are hard of hearing. Be careful not to bother the children, they get restless waiting. The Wi-Fi is for employees only. Sit in the waiting room until you are called. Your appointment will be cancelled if you do not sit.

         Bonjour/Hi, your Medicare Card. With whom do you have an appointment? You may have a seat.

         Hello again, I called you back to the front desk because the Doctor requested you take a urine test. Take these containers and head to the bathroom. The bathroom is to your back on your right. You must urinate now. If the bathroom door is locked, someone is inside. You must wait till whoever is inside is done with the toilet. Do not knock on the bathroom door; it is rude to bother someone while they are on the toilet. The Doctor will see you soon after you deposit your samples. I will make sure to let the Doctor know you are occupied if she calls while you are in the bathroom. Wash your hands after you have finished. Your appointment will be cancelled if you do not wash your hands.

         Bonjour/Hi, your Medicare Card. With whom do you have an appointment? Have a seat.

         It still reeks! What do you need now? If the bathroom is out of toilet paper, it’s not my job to replenish it. The janitor only comes after closing. You will have to use paper towels. Stop yelling; you will make the kids squeal. The Doctor will see you soon. She is getting closer to your name on the list. The people who you have seen entering the Clinic after you and seeing the Doctor before you are visiting their own family Doctor. You must wait your turn. You won’t see the Doctor sooner if you wheeze. Do not go out again; take a mint instead. Your appointment will be cancelled if you do not take a mint.

         Bonjour/Hi, your Medicare Card. Appointment with whom? Have a seat.

         Did you hear that this clinic barely got a 2-star rating online? Your appointment will be cancelled if you don’t rate this clinic 4 stars or higher.

         Bonjour/Hi. Medicare Card. Appointment with whom? Have a seat.

         What is it now? I am doing my best, but I cannot make Her work any faster. I have emails to answer, Doctors wailing on the phone, patients rotting at my feet and crap tests to send off by stork. Do you have more complaints? Do you want me to pose for your smartphone? I don’t have time to reassure you over and over that She will see you. My Boss says that sick people are just scared. Well, you aren’t scared of me. Why aren’t you scared of me? I am twice as tall as She is. I am twice as loud as She is. Is it because I earn less than you? Your appointment will be cancelled if I earn less than you. Now, sit.

         Hi. Card. With whom? Sit.

         This place is a canned skunk barn. How many times have I asked you to take a mint? Take all of them and give them to the kids; maybe they’ll stop squawking. Pretend that it’s yummy white candy and sit comfortably, like in a new pasty white van. Roll in the constipated snow if you can bring it inside. Call a friend to urinate in your cup; maybe They won’t find anything then. TP my house if you think it’ll help you see Her sooner. But you are not the one with my address, remember? How may I be of service, then? I can answer any of your questions. No, I can’t give you my name — next question? The sofas are for the Ophthalmologists’ patients who can’t see the plastic seat that you sit on and miss on the way down. I said the Ophthalmologists. They are not specialized for what you have. Of course, I haven’t diagnosed your condition, I am not a medical professional. Your appointment will be cancelled if I become a medical professional.